


Stay

by kayura_sanada



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 05:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9586511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayura_sanada/pseuds/kayura_sanada
Summary: Tony thinks of what he'd meant to say.





	

In his mind, his words had meant so much more than “you don’t deserve that shield.” They had meant more than “my father made that.” In his head, he’d told Steve everything. How he’d been drowning in that rusty bucket since long after he left the desert sands. How he’d been all alone, horribly alone, Rhodey and Pepper waiting for Tony to come home when there was only Iron Man left. How he’d nearly died, twice, and could think only of those he was leaving behind, and how he didn’t want to lose them, or to be lost, ever again.

In his mind, Steve had heard his story of how Howard Stark had adored Captain America, had measured the world up against the man and found it wanting. How Tony had loved him, and hated him, and wanted to be him. How Tony had known, from the start, that his past sins would forever keep him from ever being Captain America for real, how a single Halloween night couldn’t represent his future. That Steve’s shield was a symbol no one could hold up, hope to carry in their hand. That the only person who _could_ was the one who did right by others.

Tony knew no one was perfect. Hell, wasn’t that why he sat at the bar in his own bedroom, staring at the scotch swaying in his glass? Wasn’t that why he’d become the pariah of the Avengers? (A pariah he’d always been, he remembered, thinking back to that _before_ , thinking of that word _consultant_.) One where, even when he tried to help others, to do the right thing, _to be Captain America_ , his own ally tells him to check his ego.

Because Tony Stark is little more than an ego. _(Oh? Isn’t it always about you?)_

And when he’d told Steve he didn’t deserve that shield, in his mind, he’d told him, “you betrayed a friend. You lied to me. I risked everything for you,” and, “how can you carry that name, that title, that weight and not even realize what it means?” and, “you nearly killed me. For him.”

When he’d opened his mouth and said, “my father made that,” he’d heard, as an echo, “my father told me you were better,” and, “I loved you before I met you; I gave you as much as I have,” and, “aren’t we more than this? Aren’t you?”

He knew what his words had meant. What they’d boiled down to. He’d known, even as he opened his mouth, what he really wanted to say. What he didn’t have the strength to say, knowing – always knowing – how it would end. The futurist. Always planning ahead, always getting it wrong when he thought he’d finally done something right. But this time, his predictions had been exact. He closed his eyes. Horribly exact. Because Steve had given him the answer he’d been expecting. Fearing.

He’d dropped his shield and walked away.

Tony shoved the tumbler aside, let it spill and drip to the floor. He wrenched his stool back and stumbled into the bathroom, the shower. He hiked the water to scalding and stood beneath the spray, let the water rain down upon him. It was good he hadn’t asked, he thought. Since he hadn’t, he could pretend Steve’s answer might have been different.


End file.
